Behind The Eight Ball


Behind the eight ball

When you have the deck of life stacked against you it’s very hard to come away a winner

I have a natural can do attitude, I don’t believe in can’t

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I’ve suffered with depression most of my life. I would say it was caused by the demands of people on me

They’re expectation what they want trying to stuff a square peg in a round hole.

The majority of times I can cope

Every now and again I can’t the weight of it is too much and it’s crushing never ending. No matter how strong I am it hard sometimes

At the moment I feel like if I did a Reginald Perin no one would even care ( the rise and fall of Reginald Perin a sit com who stripped naked on a beach and walked in to the sea then came back out and adopted a new identity) if I could do it

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I wish everyone would just fuck off ( sorry I don’t usually swear )

This weight is crushing me

All my life I’ve been Steve the one most likely to succeed, Steve can do this Steve will do that

People have always pushed there crap on me.

Do you know what I’ve done

I’ve failed on purpose so people wouldn’t expect shit from me

All I’ve ever wanted was happiness but people always push their shit on me ( swore again means I must be at the edge )

Steve can do this Steve can sort that fuck off

Simple life is what I crave

Simple woman , simple living until I pop my clogs

Success, fame wealth these are not things I crave but I’m surrounded by people that all want a piece of me

You know the funny thing because I bottle things up like a pressure cooker no one knows what I think

Eventually like today I just stop talking. I have no more words

At the moment I’m in my room writing this

The weight of all this crap is crushing me. You know if I got up walked out into traffic no one would even bat an eyelid I’d just be classified a head case

Here’s an insight into my life

I’m a carer for my mum and dad

That don’t bother me

Im retired pay all the bills, I do the tablets I do the appointments, I done all the crap that happens here

Cooker broke Steve sort it

Electric went Steve sort it

Shopping Steve sort it

I have 5 brothers left ( one sister and a brother deceased) then there 4 step siblings

One brothers comes round every now and again. And does odd jobs tells me he understands

Fuck that shit unless you live here you don’t understand shit

Two brothers live too far away but hey pick the fucking phone up and phone it takes 2 second

“ Hi how are you? “

The other brother is a fucking parasite, don’t do shit hanging around like a vulture for what he can gets

I detest him with every fibre of my being

Where are we now

Ah step siblings

They can’t even be bothered to phone my dad

I don’t do family politics and I don’t give a fuck about reasons

Pick the phone up and phone dad

He suffers from dementia and I watch as a bit of him slips away every day

I’m the one who has to sit here and look at the sadness in his eyes when not one of his kids phone him

I swear if the time comes I have some choice words for every one in this family.

I am the one who gets all the shit

My mother just gives me grief every day. It’s endless then she’s says if it wasn’t for me they not know what they would do

See the thing for the sake of my sanity I need to walk out

The government gives me £66 as a carer for both of them

The doctor says I’m suffering from depression

I need a break ( respite carer ) then the government says it cost

Hold on Sherlock you give me shit then you say pay for respite care with the shit you give me

Yeah right

Then to top it off I met someone and really care about them ( love them ) but that is on the verge of imploding

Partially self inflicted because at the moment I’m at a tipping point when I get depressed ( yeah it’s happened before ) I push every one away

I don’t want to hear anyone speak, I don’t want anyone near me with their advice

You know even though I say it myself I’m one of the nicest guys out there but I’ve realised that don’t count for shit

At this moment in time I feel like a loser

I work hard, I’m always positive, I help others but I always get kicked in the teeth by life by people around me

Nice guys come last that’s the bottom line